'The Traitors' Cast, Ranked By How Much I Want to Smoke a Blunt With Them
I said I wasn’t going to do more lists about reality television, but I lied. Here is another list about reality television.
The Traitors has quickly become of one of my favorite reality shows. It’s strategic yet silly, simple yet devious, underhanded yet over-the-top. It’s a giant game of Mafia set in a Scottish castle. The UK version, hosted by the iconic Claudia Winkleman, features people who haven’t been on reality TV before, colloquially known as “randos,” and it’s great.
Even better than that, though, is the currently-airing second season of the US version, hosted by the talented Alan Cumming, who plays the role with intrigue and gravitas. This season’s cast is entirely made of public figures, most of whom are reality TV veterans. This cast’s reality pedigree is bonkers, featuring both of The Challenge’s undisputed GOATs,1 two of Survivor’s most iconic and decorated winners, and no fewer than four Real Housewives. I love watching people do things they’re incredibly good at, and this cast is incredibly good at reality television.
One thing that makes reality television even better (to watch, at least) is marijuana. One of the best nights of my life involved taking an edible and watching the first episode of The Challenge: Inferno II with a dear friend. Just as Cumming (and the production team) analyze the contestants in order to choose the best traitors, I have gone through the same rigorous process to determine who is allowed entry into an even more exclusive club: my blunt rotation.
Trishelle Cannatella (The Challenge): Don’t like her, never have. Sorry!
Peter Weber (The Bachelor): Reliable sources2 have told me that Pete was boring on The Bachelor. On The Traitors, he’s very paranoid. He wouldn’t engage seriously with the weird questions I ask when I’m stoned, and then he’d freak and try to pat me down because of his newfound conviction that I’m actually a cop.
Johnny “Bananas” Devenanzio (The Challenge): As much as I’d like to understand this man, I feel like he would not respect the “puff, puff, pass” rule. He’d hog the weed, and I wouldn’t know whether he understood that he was being an asshole or whether he was genuinely that self-absorbed.
Tamra Judge (The Real Housewives of Orange County): Tamra seems very negative, but not in a fun way. She’s not catty or messy, she’s just a downer. I don’t need that energy in the circle.
Shereé Whitfield (The Real Housewives of Atlanta): Shereé has the poise of a queen. I think I’d be self-conscious about coughing, so I’d try not to cough, which would lead to a really big cough that would feel very embarrassing, and possibly even lead my paranoid brain to think that Shereé doesn’t like me; a vicious cycle of anxieties.
MJ Javid (The Shahs of Sunset): MJ seems like she’d hog the blunt. Not even on purpose, she’d just kind of start telling a story while holding it, and she commands the sort of presence where you don’t interrupt her.
Marcus Jordan (Entrepreneur): While I’m sure Marcus has a lot of great stories to tell, he gives off a “business bro” kind of vibe. He’d be giving me tips on optimizing my life while we smoked, and I don’t give a fuck.
Phaedra Parks (Married to Medicine): Phaedra would smoke that blunt with such poise it would be inspiring to watch. However, I know she’d hit me with that withering side-eye when I start laughing at the way a word feels in my mouth.
Janelle Pierzina (Big Brother): Janelle seems like she can hang more than most of the cast. That being said, she’d probably casually say something really mean about someone she may or may not know I’m close to, and then I’d feel weird about finishing the joint.
Deontay Wilder (Professional Boxer): I’m sure Deontay is lovely to smoke with, but I don’t have a great sense of his personality.
Ekin-Su Cülcüloğlu (Love Island): I say weird shit when I’m high, and I say weird shit around women who have Instagram face. I would likely make an oblique reference to a bit from a TV show she definitely doesn’t watch, and she’d look at me like I had two heads.
Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Dancing with the Stars): Maksim is a professional athlete, so I’d wager he hasn’t smoked much weed, if any. He may also beat himself up over getting the munchies, which is so sad. What are we doing to our beautiful queens?
Dan Gheesling (Big Brother): Maybe he’ll get shouty. Maybe he’ll get paranoid. Either way, it’ll be fun to watch.
Larsa Pippen (The Real Housewives of Miami): I don’t know if she’d be fun to smoke with, but she was married to Scottie Pippen and now she’s dating Marcus Jordan, Michael Jordan’s son, which I’m just very curious about.
Sandra Diaz-Twine (Survivor): Sandra is a queen and a legend, and I would love to be in a room with her, regardless of the weed. However, I think she’d be really quiet and perhaps a little paranoid once it starts hitting.
Kate Chastain (Below Deck): Kate seems fun. I like smoking with fun people.
Kevin Kreider (Bling Empire): This is going to sound mean, but Kevin seems breathtakingly stupid. I want to see what happens when his brain is on drugs.
Carsten “Bergie” Bergerson (Love Island USA): Bergie screams “I’ve never smoked weed before,” and he’s open to new experiences. I love opening that door for people, and he seems like he’d really enjoy himself.
Parvati Shallow (Survivor): Parvati just seems like she has really good weed. That’s it.
Peppermint (RuPaul’s Drag Race): Peppermint seems like a truly awesome person to hang out with. She’s easy to talk to, has a lot of cool stories, and, based on her time on Drag Race, would be able talk you down if you got too paranoid. Who wouldn’t want Peppermint in their blunt rotation?3
John Bercow (Former Speaker of the House of Commons): This man was in charge of one of the chambers of Parliament for a whole decade. He is now on The Traitors. I figure I could get him to tell me some state secrets, or at least some crazy gossip about Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Chris “CT” Tamburello (The Challenge): At the end of the day, smoking weed with someone is really just an excuse to talk to them. I would really like to talk to CT. More than twenty years of almost constant reality TV appearances have given CT a perspective that few, even in this all-star group, can attain. He’s clever, funny, and has the dormant power of a hibernating bear. To close, and to further illustrate that last point, here’s a video of him wearing the aforementioned Johnny Bananas like a backpack.
And Trishelle…
Both of the people I talk reality TV with, my roommate and a close friend from college
Aside from Trishelle, that is…